Unisex Restroom
by Dr. G-Unit
Summary: Corporate wants Ryan to enforce a unisex bathroom changeover & Michael calls a meeting for a sex ed refresher, but Kevin fumigates the place so Dwight goes Lysol nuclear.


"Michael, I really think it would be best if I just announced it to them all right now," Ryan says.

Michael, shaking his head, asserts to the floor, "It's my office Ryan."

"But Michael—"

"Attention everyone, I have an announcement." Heads pop from behind cubicles and toward Michael, who has his arms outstretched like Moses. "News from Mount Sinai: in light of corporate's new antidiscrimination policy the Scranton branch's employees, and those of the female persuasion, shalt not use separate restrooms, which is why the urinals were taken out over the weekend. So, everyone to the conference room. C'mon, let's go people."

In resignation, the staff trudge toward Michael, who is holding the door to the conference room and apparently counting heads. Near the end of the line of employees filing in, Dwight is whispering to Angela, "They can't force people to go outside; it's against Health Code 99.1 Subsection 3, which clearly states…"

Angela hisses, "Haven't you ever seen Ally McBeal? They're making the restrooms unisex. "

Kevin, who's been behind them the whole time, eyes Angela up and down and says breathily, "I have."

Angela rolls her eyes and curls her lip at him, turns on her heel spinning Dwight by his elbow, and hurries to the conference room, wearing an uncomfortable expression. Kevin grins and follows them, revealing Jim and Pam huddled behind the fake hibiscus, giggling, until Michael shoots them the evil eye. He ushers them in and announces to the gathering, "This new development has required me to put together a little refresher course in sexual education…" Ryan says "Michael…" just as Michael closes the door.

[commercial

The staff, some looking embarrassed some looking amused, file out of the conference room; Michael bursts through them and calls out in fake enthusiasm, "Wow! I gotta use that brand spankin' unisex bathroom so bad, my teeth are floating."

Under Ryan's austere glare, everyone gets back to work. After lingering among their frantic typing for a few minutes, Ryan strides over to the corner where the pink and blue unisex bathroom sign has been hung. Inside Michael's voice echoing from a stall cuts short as the door squeaks open. Ryan, in the doorway, immediately perks his ears and crosses in front of the stalls quietly, peeking under each door, looking for Michael's shoes, which suddenly disappear from view in the third stall.

"Is that a business call Michael?" Ryan calls.

"Yes, uhh…10,000 reams by Friday… all right, then," blurts Michael.

Jan's voice can be heard coming over a cell phone in Michael's stall, "Michael! Where are you calling from? Are you in the restroom?"

"No?" says Michael.

Ryan flushes a toilet in the next stall.

[cut to interview scene

Michael is staring accusingly into the camera, shaking his head, "What…we…have… here…is a violation of my privacy by the equal rights movement."

[cut back to restroom

Angela is putting her lipstick on when a fart cuts from a stall at the far end of the room, followed by giggles, unmistakably Kevin's. Dwight walks in and gawks in shock at Angela's grossed out look before he gags a little and yowls, "Oh my gosh, what is that smell?" Angela reaches in her purse and pulls out a can of air freshener and sprays a big cloud of the stuff before handing it to Dwight.

"Fire in the hole!" He charges to the stall next to the one Kevin occupies and fumigates it thoroughly before entering. Kevin's giggling gets louder until Dwight turns the can up and under the wall to Kevin's stall . Kevin gasps and busts through the door, pulling up his pants and wheezing through the cloud of fragrance, and runs past a silently laughing Angela, with toilet paper clinging to his shoe.

[commercial

Jim and Pam are washing their hands at the restroom sinks, talking about their date that night. Jim indicates a case of Oust, "Who do you think put all this air freshener in here?"

"Dwight came in after lunch with a…" She stops mid-sentence and grins coyly. Jim looks back at her from the paper towel dispenser and says "What is it?"

"Nothing, it's just that my parents always used to talk in the bathroom like this."

[cut to interview

Jim stares in shock at the camera and murmurs, "Parents?"

[cut to office

Jim is sitting at his computer, playing World of Warcraft, when Dwight storms out from the bathroom, declaring, "Whoever made Jell-o in the sinks and put the air freshener in it will pay with their first born." Jim smiles over at Pam who stifles a laugh.


End file.
